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| hello everyone.
today is monday, and for once I am not incredibly exhausted. BECAUSE yesterday I slept in. till 5p.m. Then I went back to bed at 2. Tomorrow I work at 8a.m.... and tonight I'm probably going to go to bed early. I will sleep your face off.
that is all.
ehhhhh hem.
Good night. | | |
| I bought two new books. A teach yourself spanish manual, Un Libro de Espanol... and one on evolution, science and God. I'm going to Cozumel and Belise for Christmas with my family. The other book, is because I'm done trying to convince myself of a higher power. Inconsistant philosophies and blind faith ... Faith is what happens when you form a trust, thats what I understand. In order to trust you must take time to know the one in whom you place faith? That is why I can't find myself running open armed to some other eastern philosophy. Or to church. I think I'd still miss the mark. I want to know why there are so many time gaps everywhere, and why love, God and trust have to be an either or between spirituality and religion. It is inconsistant. Why does man think he can figure it all out.? Perhaps that is the irony of it all... it's like trying to tame the wind. Either you'll get knocked on your butt, or it'll go right through you. Either way, because it's intangible you naturally want something to do with it. To claim you are wiser or to take control...because he who tames the wind has something to gain. I'm flustered by this. I'm doing a study at chruch- a 36 week course covering 90 percent Bible, and real answers aren't coming. I don't understand how you can rationalize... one phrase is metaphor and another literal, and how an unchanging God can pocess a totally different character in a later chapter? The God of Genisis clearly does not sound like the God of Matthew. Why is there no historical record of jesus in the ancient Roman texts? How about the anthropic principal? To say that evolution did not exsist and write off nearly half of the fundamentally essential historical accounts since the beginnning of man, are we really being honest with ourselves? I'm not saying I feel either way... I dont know what I feel or think. I mean, I don't want to believe we're really made up of packets and waves. Why do we dream? What is the spiritual significance of being completely unaware of outside world every single night? Why does everything happen for a reason, and the catastrophic seems to spark interest, but the minimal is merely sensationalized? What if the human word for sleep is really just our small understanding of what it means to be somewhere else on a spiritual level, and what if waking up is a life long process? What if we're missing the purpose of exsistance. Not to convert or transform but to become one with? If a choice is made in a dream is it only consequential for a short time? And then we wake... and even in death we are evading our transgressions...until the follow... so when we go are we not just waking up? I lost where I was going with this, but you get what I'm thinking... The results of radical evangelism and rapid teenage conversion... | | |
| Mixing day #4. I'm headed to the studio in 2 hours to review the results... I always get nervous about this. Today was a long day. Babysat for 12 hours and had to sit in complete silence while he slept. I would give anything for some human interaction right now. Meeting up with Kristina afterwards to catch up. Might be late, but it's Rainbow Club... the safe haven of wickerpark's finest, good beer and quality music. Much much needed... sigh... can't wait. I see myself becoming a bit of a bar rat lately. Funny. I think my voice teacher even speculates. Bah... some how we are forming a friendship. He listens to me. He asks first. Then he puts my ass back in line. That I appreciate. It bothers me that he think's I'm a bar rat though. He never said that. Actually, I've never heard anyone say " bar rat" before, but it is what it is. It bothers me that he knows I drink. He knows I like being around eccentric people, and situations that require some assisantce of inebriation to remain tolerable, but other than one party getting shut down by the cops... I guess that makes you a something... he told me, "you clearly don't need a lesson in partying. You seem to have that down pat." Label. SLAP...
After last weeks voice lsson, we've recently become friends on facebook. He's not a typical teacher... I didn't think much of it.. but Now I realize any photographs appering on my profile could be used against me. I'm being watched. So... do I post the recent events of Halloween weekend? Running the risk of him finding out I did not chose to stay in and study, even though I should have been practicing and learning new material?? I am making a bold attempt to maintain some what of a social life. That which has been non- exsistant for several months is now in full bloom folks, but perhaps it would be best I return to the world of locking my self up with music and lamenting over a piano, at this point, I would rather feel lonely in public. I started thinking about Shawn today.. It started around noon and lasted until 8 or so... I have no plans to become a staggering, boose hussy, but just a rather desperate individual in need of a ruckus or two. I need something loud. At least until my lesson on Saturday. I look forward to my lessons. There's something about student-voice teacher relationships... a sacred hour where you learn more about life perhaps than the music ... but none the less aplicable. I've sat around all day dwelling on the fact that I have to transcribe music in 11/4. I dont think people realize how dumb I am sometimes. But a voice teacher doesn't care. Even if you're a rock they're the kind of people who will try to get something out of you. Surely I don't believe that entirely... but sometimes. Especially when I know there is something I want to do, and can't seem to move or think in that direction. My meter is all off.
So my hope lies in change. and circumstance. new people.. new messes.
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| Truth: you can always count on friends to fu*k you over.
happy halloween
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